The End - Pure and Simple!

I'm a bit lost for words as the dog ate the dictionary. TF! What? You ain't got no dog! Sod it, I'm using the gift (excuse) of poetic licence 'ere ;-)

Right, I'm not going to mince me words, of late for some (many) reason(s) I've lost the magical "spring-in-my-step". So with my camera strapped to my hip I'm going out in search of it. I maybe sometime or I'm might just strike gold and find it around the very next corner walking towards me with its arms wide open. But, just in case I'm gone for long time or I happen to get swallowed up by a man-eating tiger (and never return)- enjoy the Summer, have fun on your holidays (don't get lost Random - for map reading is the name of the game!) Oh, and go easy on the Christmas Pud!

But ALWAYS, ALWAYS find time to stuff your gob with chocolate ;-)

.

For the lovely writers who read this blog (you know who you're), if you happened to get stuck for a word - buy yourself a good quality dictionary OR be really naughty and radical and invent a new word! Break rules!) ;-)

el fin del cuento

TFxx

Stop and Stare

Try to find a fleeting moment in time to stop and stare. For the clock of life is ticking. Minutes becomes an hour. Hours become days. Days become years.Try to store up memories before the clock of life stops ticking. Blickin' 'eck TF! It's Sunday so I'm in reflective mood.

Let's call it my swansong ;-)

UPDATE:

The ma-in-law went home today :) Back here tomorow evening! :(

Game, Set and Match

"Forgive me Father, for I've sinned. It has been nearly seven days since by last post".

"What pray child took you so long?"

"Father I've been busy drinking Robinson's Barley Water and running around the grass courts at SW19 in my white dress playing world class tennis!"

As a wee child I dreamt of winning Wimbledon. I use to spend hours hitting tennis balls against the outhouse wall. Thinking pure thoughts that practice would make perfect. What a load of twaddle that thought turned out to be, for alas I never won Wimbledon! :O

You know when THEY say that life gets easier as you get older. Well let me tell you they're f***king lying. (BIG SIGH!) My ma-in-law has taken up squatters rights in TF tower :O Long story! Seriously stressy . Access to the old PC is limited. Sigh!

But being the ever optimistic little bunny, I've planned an escape route! For it's only 41 days to my holiday in France. Tomorrow it will be 40 days and counting. Lift off ;-) A might just do a spot of house hunting in France a retreat. Unless anyone has a spare room availaible for me to rent. I'm house trained, can entertain children, walk the dog, do a spot of ironing and if push came to shove will have a go at baking you a cake. Any offers?

My 400th Blog Post - How did that happen?

Party Time!

For this is to be my 400th post on this blog! (How did that happen? Someone has taken over this blog and posted numerous ANON/crap posts in my name methinks ;-) For Pete's sake - a gnome?

Now to be quite honest I'm a tad surprised that I managed to last this long. Don't you be telling anyone mine but I'm by nature a very fickle and restless soul and words don't flow naturally from my pen/keyboard. From my gob, well that's an entirely different matter! I was going to do a reflective look back on my top ten posts. BUT.... that would be sooooo boring and I'm not so sure if I've got a top five let alone ten. Although I did quite enjoy this one partly as you did all the work :) Oh, and this one. Any old tat!

So I've been scratching my 'ead (like a kid infested with nits) wondering what I could give you to celebrate this momentary occasion! ;-) Dark seductive chocolate did spring to mind :)

But then I had a brainwave, like you do once in a blue moon. Why not give them a VERY brief taster of my "Bullshit Blurb Blog Book" (working title) aka "BBBB" that I'm (attempting to) creating. Groan! Groan! I know, I know you would of preferred chocolate. But tough, get over it! Plus there is no way on this earth I'm going to share my chocolate! No way! ;-)

Right, the "BBBB" comes with a Government Health Warning. Brace yourself ! Deep breath!

No punctuation, sentences, paragraphs will be present in the "BBBB". You will encounter a few of these !!!! and one or two of these ' and most probably a few spelling mistakes. Oh, in the shortie story titled "Mercy! Mercy! " there is a swearword that is repeated three times. It begins with the letter F and ends in K.

If you're expected a masterpiece of poetic prose. You're gonna be mighty disappointed. The "BBBB" has large elements (99.9%) of juvenile black humour. It's say, like "The Sun" meets "Spike Millagan" on a very bad day. Actually, it's not as good as that. To be truthfully honest it's a bit CRAP really. But it might make you laugh, cringe or confirm the well-known fact that I'm a tad bonkers. Like all books every written the words have been stolen from the dictionary. I've just arranged them around into some sort of order (or disorder!) Oh, all images originated from my camera, tarted up with the help of Mr Photoshop. Nice guy Mr Photoshop you can have hours of fun in his company and he demands nothing in return. My kindof man ;-)


Hmmm, perhaps on second thoughts maybe I shouldn't inflict this CRAP on you. (What else are you going to give 'em TF ?) Oh sod it! Can't be arsed to think of anything else OK, after three.

One

Two

Three

HANG ON A WEE MINUTE HERE TF!

Oh, yes just remember can't let you've a butcher's of the BBBB. Why? 'cause I've been invited (press ganged!) to join an ELITE writing group. The S.A.S. of the writing world. (Actually I've been drafted in to make up the numbers ;-). So you're be pleased to know I'm going to inflict extracts of the BBBB on them instead! For their critical feedback, I just hope they have a warped S.O.H. like me. Gulp! Gulp! I think I'm going to be eliminated as the weakness link and asked to leave after the first submission. Now, I bet you're relieved that you don't have to look at the BBBB? Hmmm, I can hear you shouting from the top of the highest roof "Oh, what a relief!" "Praise the Lord!" for there's a God after all.

So being the kind and fair person that I'm (some of the time) I've had a change of heart and baked you a cake. Cooking is not my strongest attribute (conceptional bullshit is though!) Here have a slice but don't be fighting over it now! Form an orderly queue ;-) (Fuzzy cake image from the Sainsbury's website) TF! Copyright?

You didn't really think I was capable of baking a cake now did you?

POWER- less Words!

Oh, I so do LOVE quirky things :)

I encountered these wonderful words of wisdom this morning whilst walking to work. They were plastered all over the perimeter fences of the local park, flapping in the breeze.

Powerful Party Political posters? . Nope!

They were advertising Slimming World! Made me smile :)

The Loss of Innocence

One, two, three

Hide and seek

and you shall find

Some Saturday afternoon's as a child we would walk to a small (posh) village just over a mile from where we lived. Our mission was to attend their jumble sale and pick-up bargains! I loved those trips. The "bric-a-brac" stall was always my favourite and my first port of call. I can still remember picking up and holding for the very first time a heavy green musty book called "The Encyclopedia of the Anatomy of Equines" published sometime in the 1920's. It was full of some exquisite fine drawings of the bone structures of horses. You had to lift up a delicate fragile piece of tracing paper to view each picture. I treasured that book throughout my childhood.

But the item that still evokes a strong memory in my mind was the second hand 1000+ jigsaw puzzle featuring a scene of a cable car gliding through the Swiss mountain side. The picture on the box was beautiful - depicting snow, mountains, skiers. A place where I want to live.

I can still see myself fumbling with my small purse in a excitable manner and counting out my pennies to pay for that jigsaw puzzle. And I can still hear the voice of the lady who sold me the puzzle saying "Oh, what a great choice - no pieces of the puzzle are missing you know. I counted every piece last night just to make sure." She grinned at me.

I spent hours and hours of my time completed that jigsaw puzzle. First laying out all the straight pieces connecting all the boring sky pieces together. Holding back before starting on the red cable car bit with all the brightly dressed happy skiers inside. You guessed it! One piece of the puzzle was missing and it was right in the middle of the beautiful scene. Even writing this now I can still feel that sense of loss and disappointed. The lady lied to me.

Looking back, I think that day I loss my trust in human nature (and to this very day I still find it hard to gauge if people are being sincere or not). I suspect that each and everyone of us at sometime has experience a sense of loss - through a loss of love, loss of a loved one, loss of trust, loss of hope and faith. I wonder if that sense of loss is always lurking hidden in the very core of our being and perhaps subconsciously we're forever searching for that missing jigsaw puzzle piece.

I guess life is just meant to be a incomplete puzzle.

Invisible Ink!

I've just penned this (whilst peeling the vegetables, Ms Multi-Tasker triumphs! ;-) for those of you out there in cyberspace crying out for a slight sight of a silly shorties story. This will probably be an one-off opportunity (Praise the Lord I hear you cry!) A wordy world premiere. So for Mr NB let's call this one No.157 shall we??! ;)

Invisible Ink

.

Blank blotter

Pen poised

Movement made

Scribbles scratched

Sentences started

Efforts erased

Sheets screwed-up

Quill quits

Blast! Blast!

Neurotic nightmare

Wacky whimsical witty wannabee writer

wonders where words went

wishes word-flow would

magically manifest

dramatic distracting dilemma demanded

chomping chocolate coated

biscuits beckons!

CHOMP! CHOMP! ;-)

.

TF! What? You're going to piss your readership off big time 'ere AND you've exceeded 25 words. Hmmm, that be 'cause I'm on a (jam) roll. Let's blame it on the W's.

Right, I'm going back to my photography. CLICK. CLICK. Writing is far too HARD methinks. But one should always try ;-) (plus no-one can ever accuse me of not being TRYING on this blog!). Hmmm, TF, perhaps you should of given them the short story of the comeuppance of Fraulein Fanny :)

The Happy Life of a Butterfly

Happiness is a butterfly,

which, when pursued, is always

just beyond our grasp,

But which, if you will sit down quietly,

May alight upon you

.

by Nathaniel Hawthorne

.

.

Our female cat has a mean streak. Her greatest passion in life is to chase butterflies, trap them in her paws and eat them. I think it makes her happy. Oh! I guess the black and white of life.

.

Over the last week, I've been writing black humour "short stories". I've written well over 200, so far. Well that be a lot of words TF, I hear you mutter. Nope! Wrong. For each story has probably a maximum of about 25 words. More or less. For less is more. I think. Too much ;-)

.

The Test of Time.....

Time to blog again, (thanks for bearing with me and your kind comments/emails). My last two posts, comments etc etc were a wee bit dark and stressy to say the least. The family situation has calmed down somewhat. Although, I will admit I still can't get my head around it all (mixed emotions) and I did wobble there for a wee while. But as you all know "weebles wobble but they don't fall down". However, In future I'm going to segregate my real life (crappy bits, you'll still get the boring bits) from blog life. And never shall the twain meet. So from time to time, if and when real life gets a bit heavy here in TF Tower I'll just post up a testcard. Say, something like this. With the words "Normal Service will resume shortly"

(Hmmm, I wonder what happened to that little girl?) Did she grow up and survive the test of time. Or did she remain forever young?)


Methinks when crappy stuff happens in our lives we can deal with it in two ways either in a negative or in a positive way. We can chose to remain stuck in our past (maybe the easy option) or we can learn from the setbacks/mistakes - adapt, grow stronger and try to move forward. Possibly easier said then done. I think maybe at last I'm starting to mature! Maybe my Peter Pan mentality is deserting me.



However, saying that let me tell you've set my sights on doing a bit of quirky "live art". Let me explain, up in the City of London in Trafalgar Square they have a thing called the Fourth Plinth.(Click on the link for details) And guess what you can take over the ownership of this Plinth for the duration of one hour and do what you like on it. Of course, all in the name of art and within the realms of the law. You've to enter you name into a ballot to see if you win a hour's slot. So I might just enter.For my live art project I'm thinking about dressing up as a BIG FAT pig. Stand on the plinth and blow-up coloured sausage shaped hydrogen balloons (different colours representing the political parties of this country). On each balloon I thought I'll scribble the name of the MP and the amount of the expenses they claimed illegally from us the tax payer. And one by on let the balloons go and if possible once the reached a certain height make them explode and release a stink bomb smell!


The PIC/Other Half was not impressed and thought I'd most probably get arrested for this libel action. Perhaps, I need to go back to the drawing board on this one ;-) But then again!

Trying to remain optimistic

Just a brief blog. Thanks for your kind comments on my last post x.

It's been a rather stressful time in the TF tower. My younger sibling (we fell out a few years back) has been having a very tough time of late both on a financial and domestic front. To some degree I've tried not to get involved. but you know how it is you get dragged into the fray. Yesterday afternoon it took a bit of a turn for the worst. I won't go into details, but just to say I felt like I had a bit part in an episode of Casualty. I'm just hoping and praying that the storm has blown over and calmer waters will shortly be on the horizon for both him and his family.

I'm reading your blogs but may not comment for a wee while. Bear with me. TFxx

Some 'armless Fun!

Title of Work: No-body loves me!

***

I'm going to be blog-less for a wee while. Family (younger sibling) crap! sigh.

.

TF will not be distracting you so get writing! That's an ORDER! :-)

.

Oh, BTW thanks for your opinions on my last post, much appreciated. The brainbox is ticking ;-)

HELP! Expert opinion sought!

Oh! So you think you're an expert then. Do ya now? Good. Right. As a rule, I tend to have a bit of a maverick mentality but (I'm desperate) I need your help to answer a question :)

Right, my question is all about the interesting subject of Quantum Physics. You what? I lie. The question(s) (note the plural here) thought I'd slip another question in whilst I had your attention. So come on concentrate now. Sit up straight.

Question 1.
Simply, would you pick up, read or even consider reading/buying a book (with a working title) called "Bullsh*t Blurb!" ?

Don't you be writing me an essay now, a simple yes or no will do. I'm working on a master plan (to take over the world) and you're my lovely little fluffy guinea pigs ;-) To be serious for a wee moment here, I'm working on a booky type idea/thingy. My head is in a spin. This idea if truth be told, is a bit mad, quirky and unconventional like (but not rude)! As you know I tend to veer away from normal on this blog ;-) I do a bucketful of normal in real-life. Sigh.... One has to eat, drink and pay the bills etc. etc.

That was easy, now for the difficult one.

Question 2.(this is indirectly linked to Q1,well in my mind it is! )
Right open your eyes wide and feast thy eyes on the image below. On seeing this image what is the FIRST thing that springs into your mind. Try to use thy imagination :) Don't panic, there are no wrong or right answers to this question.

Thank you for wasting a few moments of your (life) time to answer the above questions. Of course, all this is in the name of research. We could (possibly) be on the verge of a new discovery here! But don't hold your breath. For it could all be just a pie in the sky. But then again from acorns an oak tree might just grow ;-) CHOP! CHOP! Timber ........

Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down

Whence one hath wobbled, is it not thenceforth a foregone conclusion that one shall, before a fortnight hath passed, fall down on one's rear end?”
~ Oscar Wilde

ORDER! ORDER!

Mr Speaker Michael Martin MP you must not resign today!

NO! NO! NO! In the name of art you must stay.

TF has been up most of the night (with a dodgy tummy) writing political poetry in your honour. I've written a fabulous poem entitled "Swindling Swags" and you MM are playing the leading role "softly-spoken stuttering Scottish scapegoat Speaker says sorry".

For if you go I shall now have to re-write the end of this epic poem

"Will widespread witch hunt wobble Westminster? "

For last night I truly believed that "Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down ;-) Please do not prove me wrong. Alas, I've that sinking feeling ..... Man over board.

"Bright bobbling blue boat brings back Betty Boothroyd ...."

ORDER! ORDER!

BUST-ing research !

(no image will be forthcoming as it may

upset those of a delicate nature!) ;-)

.

Right, hopefully that title has got some of my blogs readers attention. For I'm on a one-woman mission let’s call it a touch of scientific research! (so after three, stick out your tongue and say aaahhhhhhhhhhh. I jest). However, to make this a fair and accurate trial (I NEED) sorry would love input from both men/women (and any in-betweens).

So, the subject up for scrutiny, debate and in-depth analysis is...

Wait for it. I know you're busting to know.

What (wets your knickers) makes you laugh?

Laughter and humour to me is an essential ingredient of everyday life it’s the dash of whisky in your hot milk, the cherry on the cake, the first pint of beer/glass of wine of the day, a hot water bottle between your legs on a cold winter’s night or England winning the World Cup beating Germany 10-0 in the final (if only).

Humour on both TV and radio takes many guises - a funny sketch, say like Monty Python or Mr Bean. A stand up comedian telling a wonderfully constructed story, the best storyteller in my book of all time was the late great Dave Allen and batting for the females Victoria Wood. I’m a great lover of satire/black humour (not everyone’s cup of tea, but then we are not all made the same and for that we must truly thank GOD!)

The best laughter/humour is not planned or rehearsed but slowly unfolds from an off-the-cuff remark and then transgresses into a full-blown belly aching laughter. Laughter is and should always be contagious.

So whom or what programme/situation makes you laugh? OR let's flip the coin. What doesn't make you laugh?

This research is gong to form part of a White Paper that the UK Government has commission to raise much needed revenue by introducing a "Giggle" tax. The slogan to go with the advertising campaign is "You're having a laugh!" ;-)

A Day in the Life of Boss-Eyed Monster - EVENING UPDATE - Down the Plug Hole!

Some poor, but soon to be published crime writer named Leigh Russell (with a sense of humour!) has this evening (22.50 hours) high-jacked my sinking ship and taken me hostage! For me to be released I've to plug her book. (Please read digest and visit her blog (free wine on offer!) otherwise I fear I may have to walk the plank!) Shark infested waters! ;-)

THE PLUG!!!!

Here's a plug: My debut thriller, Cut Short, is available from www.noexit.co.uk in June, amazon.co.uk in July, and amazon.com in August. It's a great holiday read, a "gripping psychological thriller" described by Crime Time Magazine as "a remarkable novel" and I'm hosting a Virtual Book Launch on my blog from June... is that a big enough plug ?

****

Right, this will be a very quick post. Now, don't you blink because you might just MISS it! ;-)

The best conversation I had today so far. (but the night is still young!)

"Miss, do you know what?" You're like a monster!"

"Oh! You mean like a green-eyed monster? (said in a hurt voice, whilst thinking where is this conversation going?)"

"Nah, it 'cause you've eyes in the back of your 'ead"

Me replies in a very deep serious voice "That's because I'm a BOSS-eyed monster" ;-)

Somewhere, the irony got lost in translation :)

***

Right, haven't got time to chat, I'm working on a bloglike-book of political poems ;-) wink, wink

The Icons of England

TF is not in a very witty mood today. Not sure, why. I'm going to blame it on my biorhythms.

I just arrived home to find my Swine flu information leaflet sitting on my doormat. I was very tempted to complete the back order form and get extra copies in the following languages:-

Welsh, French, Polish, Bengali, Chinese, Urda, Arabic, Punjabi, Somali, Gujarati and you can also get a audio tape version. Oh, just in case you're not received you copy you can download it here www.direct.gov.uk/swineflu

Just remember CATCH IT, BIN IT, KILL IT. My female cat is now playing with the said leaflet that I screwed up in a ball . KILL IT, kitty that's my girl ;-)

During lunchtime today I was doing a wee bit of web-browsing like you do and hit upon this little gem of a site all about the subject of ICONS of England. Basically an icon (words below nicked from their website) is as follows:-


"Icons are symbolic - they represent something in our culture, history or way of life

Icons are recognisable in a crowd - if no-one has heard of it or knows what it looks like, it cannot be an icon

Icons are fascinating and surprising - they have hidden depths and unexpected associations"


I've just eaten a plate of cream crackers covered in butter and an iconic spread (in my opinion you either love it or loath it MARMITE! Is marmite an icon? I wonder


So what in your humble opinion would you classify as an icon? (No celebrities names,please ! )


Amuse me :)

Immature Ignoramus

Right sit up, for now begins Latin Lesson No.1 (only joking, I'm being a tad immature 'ere)

Hmmm, playing around with words is rather good fun methinks. I'm doing a spot of whimsical wordplay writing although I hasten to add as a rule writing is not really my bag. But as you know TF doesn't do rules and at the moment words are being drilled into my head by an unknown being let's called him "Woody Woodpecker" who is on a one man mad mammoth marking mission. He's doing my head in. Needs to be knocked off his perch methinks ;-)

The only trouble with this writing (thingy) is that I've now become partial to be a bit of disastrous dictionary distraction. My new large printed (can be read without specs) clear and concise Collins dictionary has wonderfully snippets of interesting ingenious information under the sub-sections called "World Histories"

Today TF has learnt that the word "Ignoramus" comes from the name of an uneducated lawyer in an 17th century play.In Latin Ignoramus means "we do not know" So now you know!

Oh what else....

Laconic comes from the Greek word Lakonikos meaning Spartan. The Spartans were famous for using few words. Something like that, more or less!

Hmmm, let me think what else did I learn.

Sceptic - The Sceptics (what a great name for a new proactive political party) were a school of Greek philosophers who believed nothing could be "known for certain"

So right my little skepikos(es) (Hmm that might just be a spoonerism) I hope you have found a few new things today to ponder and consider.

I'm off to do a bit more Wordplaying. The one I'm working on is called "Happy Families" "

"Terrifying tarantula travels towards teenager.....

Don't panic methinks Mr "Eight Legs" will have a sticky end, he may just gets sucked up by a

"....high-powered hoover....."

.

But maybe I'm being a wee bit sceptic (or mad!) here let's blame it on Woody ;-)

Swine Fever!

"Hello?
Is there anybody out there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone at home?

Come on, now, I hear you're feeling down.

Well I can ease your pain

Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I'll need some information first.

Just the basic facts."

Right my little porkies, has anyone received the Swine Flu leaflet yet from our great Government ? (I bet they've forgotten to lick the blinkin' stamp) Swines!

TF is s at home indisposed with flu like symptoms! And until the eagerly awaited leaflet drops onto her doormat TF is going to be a very good girl and drink up all her medicine

Oh Shit! Is that a flying pig I see before my eyes

Is this a sign?

Seriously trying....

TF is by nature a serious lady! (despite my mad capers and juvenile behaviour that you tend to encounter most of the time on this blog) I do have a very serious and responsible side to my character. I just tend to hid it away most of the time.

But today (blow those blinkin' trumpets) I'm going to attempt to pen a serious post.

Last week, I watched an interesting programme on SkyArts about the life of the talented artist Keith Haring who sadly succumbed to the AIDS virus in 1990 aged just 31 :(

Despite dying so young he left a wonderful unique legacy of thought provoking artwork. Just prior to his death Keith established a foundation to ensure that his philanthropic legacy would continue indefinitely.

This programme got me thinking, I just wonder if we're all striving to leave some creative side of ourselves (that is totally separate from our duties/relationships with others ie. family or friends) behind in this world before we go forth to meet our Maker ?

I've spent the afternoon sitting in the sun sipping tea and finishing Micro/PicaNovel No 2 (thanks to Lane and Leigh Forbes :) read previous post/comments for full SP but only if your're really BORED!) and writing poetry. DON'T FLIPPING PANIC I'm not going to post the poems HERE! That would test the patience of a Saint. Believe me! Although, saying that a couple of them we're rather funny. My favourite is about Dylan the daydreaming hippie who has a dreadful devastating death (full of black humour).

(So, I guess just in case this blog is read by some VERY BORED university student doing a thesis on the subject of "Blogs of the 21st Century" in say a 100 years time or more. I just wanted you to know that I cannot always be serious on this blog but I'm TRYING!). Yep! Very trying ;-)

What a legacy?

How to write a novel in 30 minutes!

The TF

"Tongue-in-Cheek and Bullshit" Productions presents

"How to Write a Novel in 30 minutes"

First, pour thyself a large glass of chilled vino. Sit thy butt on a comfy chair. Sip. Savour the grape. Aaaaahhhhh. Put on thy thinking cap and begin writing.

Right, a novel must have a beginning, a middle and an end. Correct. TICK.

The beginning is where one introduces the characters and sets the storyline. Correct. TICK.

So far, so good.

The middle AKA "The filling in the sandwich" is all about the action. Correct. TICK

The End, three options are available HAPPY, SAD or CLIFF- HANGER. Correct. TICK

Now all we need to string these three elements together is the crucial ingredient- WORDS! Now this is where one can go seriously wrong by becoming "lost for words" or having too many words for one's own good. Writing a novel is not unlike preparing and cooking a seven course banquet. Time consuming preparation.

BUT, wait a wee minute! Do we really need seven courses?

Maybe, just maybe,one course is all that is required. A simple meal can be just as satisfying. Yes? No? Time to trim off the fat and bring the novel back to it's bare bones. So let's be radical and chop out most of the words. Trust me! OK, as seven is a lucky number we shall have seven chapters.

Right, pour another glass of wine. Large sip. Followed by another.

Now, let the writing begin........

Oh, BTW, please note:

Chapter 1 will ONLY have one worded sentences, Chapter 2 - two worded sentences, Chapter 3 three worded sentences etc etc..... Less is more! More or less!

.

.

.

Title of the Novel

"Do You Hear Me?" by TF

Chapter 1

Rehearsal Room,Opera House,Convent Garden

Oliva Optiva, middle-aged famous opera singer losing

her grip is receiving a master-class signing lesson from Prof.Uphike

"Ready?"

"one"

"two"

"three"

"Begin"

"Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh"

"Sorry" (whispered)

"FINE!

"Again"

"One"

"Two"

"Three"

"Aaahh"

"Oh"

"no"

:(

Chapter 2

Ring, Ring

"Oh God!"

"My throat!"

"My voice!"

(above whispered)

"Don't panic."

"Calm Down"

"Sip water"

"Call doctor..." (whispered)

Ring, ring

"HELLO! Doctor...".

Chapter 3 Lost for Words

Dr Blackhole,Throat Specialist,Consultation Room - Harley Street

"Please sit down"

"Stick out tongue"

"Now, say aaaaahhhhh"

"aah... ah.. a..."

"Hmmmm, oh dear"

"Afraid not good"

"What is it?" (whispered)

"A big problem"

"Voice box disappearing"

"Go home rest"

"Do not talk"

"No more singing"

"Afraid forever. Amen."

Chapter 4 Back home,taking stock.

Oliva feeling very gloomy.

Black clouds form overhead.

Her fate is set.

Realisation life without singing.

Chapter 5 Will he stay or go?

Oliva tells handsome Italian Toyboy.

(She speaks in a whisper)

"Darling, my career is over"

Sob, sob, sob, sob, sob.

"Hmmm, WHAT ABOUT OUR LIFESTYLE!!?"

"Darling, no singing, no money"

Toyboy quits town, without Oliva!

Withdraws saving from the bank.

Hitches up with another woman

Oliva now voiceless and penniless

Chapter 6 The Visit from the Muted Musician

Oliva feeling very sad and alone.

No one calls or visits her.

She leads a reclusive withdrawn lifestyle.

One sunny morning, the doorbell rings.

Reluctantly she answers the door "OH!......"

Her excited heart begins to flutter. "I'm in love, can this be?"

The muted musician raises his hat.

Winks and beams a radiant smile.

He then continues playing his saxophone.

Chapter 7 Is it time to eat my words?

No words are ever spoken between them.

Despite this they lived happily ever after.

For ultimately.... music is the food of love.

THE END

No paper or words were wasted in this novel. However three large glasses of vino were consumed!! ;-) (TF also hopes that no one is offened by the above words).

I'm now working on my second novel "The Life & Adventures of a Castrated Cat called Tom "

Here Kitty! ;-)

Hmmm, on second thought methinks I'll give up on this (difficult!) novel writing malarkey and instead concentrate on my photography. Leave the writing to those who know best methinks.

Blogger is being a little bugger!

"Bugger! Bugger!"
"Language! Timothy!"

Oh, I'd this great (reasonable) post lined up for you to read this evening. I pushed the save button, to be swiftly followed by the published button and the bloody blogger bovver boy went on a go slow. I'd to re-boot the blinking computer and lost the post.

It was a very informative and thought provoking post on the subject of "How to Write a Novel in 30 minutes!" ;-) (full of black humour) But, to be quite honest I can't be arsed to re-write the post today. It did featured two of my favourite subjects in the whole wide world, opera (YUK!) and a romantic storyline (of course, with a twist!) ;-)

Maybe I'll publish it tomorrow.

TF, maybe not such a good idea! :o

Why not?

'cause it may offend those readers of a delicate nature.

Hmmm, I'm not so sure if I've readers of a delicate nature!

But, how do you know, for you've never met them in the flesh.

True. Oh, in that case I'll leave them with this little message instead. (Words flowed out of The PIC mouth at the weekend) Stolen in part from the song lyrics by Pink Floyd).

"All that you touch and all that you see,

is all that your life will ever be"

Rather touching methinks :)

(TF! What? Don't be saying that, they'll think you've gone soft in your 'ead).

The Thursday Threesome!

Oh, sorry to disappoint those of you who thought this post was going to be about S.E.X. (one of my taboo subjects, along with death!). However, for those of you who are easily offended STOP READING RIGHT NOW!

But trust me this is better than any bedtime activities! Not a lot. However, it does involve a bit of interplay and thought processing by YOU!

But FIRST, (now I'm working upto the climax!). Last night I woke up at 3.35am with some words buzzing around my head like a dozy bee.I jotted them down and now share them with you. I hope you like them. GULP!

"When you're upto your neck in quicksand, remember to keep thy gob shut! "

SECOND,these words greeted me on the way to work this morning freshly painted by the Graffiti Gang. Methinks they have gone off the rails somewhat ;-)

THIRD, this is where you get to play. Right stand by your beds and concentrate. A (blogless) witty published writer (has dropped by on my comments box) called Joe Stein (BTW he's not related to Rick Stein the famous chef, shame because I'm rather partial to a plate of fish) has got me thinking along with the lovely Fionnuala on the subject of writing ones own epitaph. So, in my usual deadpan manner I'll now going to share my epitaph with you. Drum roll!


Now first visualise a life-size picture of me stark naked! (Jesus, on second thoughts don't) and below that image can be found the following epitaph:-

"She was a great lay, may she now rest in Peace" A(men) ;-)

So, folks time to be DEAD serious. (TF seems to struggle with this concept!)

What would you like your epitaph to say about you?

.

From Beyond the Grave !

Don't PANIC, I'm not dead! (TF! How do you know? For life might just be a dream!) Feckin' 'eck, I hope I wake up soon ;-)

I went for a wee walk this lunchtime to escape the madness of work. Sometime I have a strong compulsive need to find peace and quiet, so I visited the local pre-Victorian graveyard. It was beautiful. The blossom on the trees were starting to explode like firecrackers into an spectacular display of vibrant pink colours. Birds were singing happily at a high-pitched volume. I didn't take any photographs of the scene, for even the FLIPPANT TF has a sense of respect for those departed.

I walked gently around the pathways between the old unvisited graves and came across these wise words engraved (no pun!) on a lopsided gravestone :-

"I expect to pass through this world but once, therefore any good that I can do or any kindness that I show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again"

I returned to work with a spring in my step and then engaged in a solo mission to SUFFOCATED my colleagues with kindness !

The men in white coats are coming to take me away tomorrow. HA! HA!...... ;-)

The Blank Page. Q & A

Chocolate Snorts!

I had a dream,

that dream came true

and now I'm going to share it with you ..

Oh my, we've a fabulous new invention on the market!

Right my little chocolate piglets. Is your tummy bursting to breaking point with one of the seven deadly sins ie.daily over-indulgence in the stuffing of one's gob with too much chocolate. Do you go into a shop craving a single bar of chocolate and then come out after seeing a bargain of three lovely bars on sale for a mere quid (£1) (that jumped up and down from the shelf screaming at the top of their voices "BUY ME!" "BUY ME!" "BUY ME!"

Do you take those three little chocolate bars home with the full intention of eating only one and snashing the rest away for a rainy day? To 'ecks like you do. For you stuff your face with the first bar on the way home. On reaching the kitchen you put the kettle on and stuff the second bar. Make a cup of tea and slowly eat the third bar savouring the taste of the full cream sexy chocolate. Now fully satisfied you feel able to face the world. Knowing that at anytime the pressures of life rears its ugly head again you can repeat the three bar chocolate fix.

But STOP!

For chocolate is full of nasty things. Like too much sugar which equals calories. Boo! Hoo! And too many calories are bad for you unless you want to invest in and wear elasticated trousers for the rest of your life!

But do not despair my little piglets for some Prof from the Harvard University in America has invited a chocolate inhaler called the Le Whif. Which basically boils down to the fact that that you can get your chocolate craving without the calories! For a mere £1.50 you can take part in a new pastime called "Whiffing". From the inhaler you breathe in small quantities of chocolate dust - in raspberry, mint, mango and plain flavour.

So in future when you leave the house for the day, slap on some lippy, a dab of perfume and a inhale a few snorts of chocolate. SNIFF! SNIFF!

***

Right I'll be around to read your blogs and comment asap. But first I've to do some exercise for alas I've been eating far too much chocolate!

When is an onion not an onion?

I've got a little food theme going on here on this blog. So I now give you some food for thought.

One of you out there in cyberspace has got me thinking!!! Dangerous, I know!. But I like people who make me think :-) So let's take our hats off to the wonderfuly wise DAR - who truly deserves a gold plated medal for contining to comment on my BORING photo blog ;-) (Now, don't you be clicking on this link DOES THE CAMERA LIE?. Stay with me. Stay focused. One of her recent comments has got thinking, I'm now going to attempt to answer her question with another question.

So here we go. The question to get your brain cells jumping is "When is an onion not an onion?" What? OK, stop groaning in the back row, just bear with me on this. Nope! I CAN'T! (well fair enough, bogoff to another blog then ;-) or sit down and scoff your face with Easter Eggs. Give us a bit ;-)


Right, still with me? Good, now I've got your full and undivided attention let me repeat the question again "When is an onion not an onion?" Some of you'll probably know that I love art/photography that communicates and makes it's audience think and question what it sees in front of its eyes. (I'm no scientist (Grade D Biology) but I reckon that we use different parts of our grey matter to analyse and understand both written and visual languages).

So , let's pretend for argument sake that you were given a pen and paper and had to write a brief description of an onion to someone who had never seen an onion before in their life. Now, I'm sure you would give a very fair and accurate synopsis and mention it's shape, smell,taste, etc etc.


If the same task was given to an artist or photographer -a few purest amongst them would I'm sure draw, paint or photograph a pure, true and life like image of an onion. But, "Do we want to be pure and live a ridged life?" YES ? NO ? (OK, if you were a nun I'm sure that your answer would be without doubt YES). But, let me tell you now you're never going to be a NUN - so you must therefore answer NO. For you can learn to or continue to live your life as an unconventional artist. No skills are required . All you have to do is go forth in this world and rattle a few cages, play with and twist the situation - take on the role of the Devils advocate. Question! Question! Question!


Oh Yes. The question! "When is an onion not an onion?"

When it hits a purple patch silly! ;-)

Savour the taste.....

"Oranges and lemons", say the bells of St. Clement's
"You owe me five farthings", say the bells of St. Martin's
"When will you pay me?" say the bells of Old Bailey
"When I grow rich", say the bells of Shoreditch
"When will that be?" say the bells of Stepney
"I do not know", says the great bell of Bow
Here comes a candle to light you to bed
And here comes a chopper to chop off your head!

So strange how such a wee little rhyme can take you back to your childhood. This afternoon a bright yellow and white ice cream van made its way down my cul-de-sac ringing out the "Oranges and Lemons" tune at a deafening volume. By shutting my eyes tightly I transported myself back to a hot sunny afternoon from my childhood. Each day in the Summer an ice cream van would visit our street. Each day we would ask the same question "Can we have an ice cream Mum? PLEASE!" Each day we received the same reply "Not today, but maybe tomorrow" . Each day we tried to hide our disappointment, for we knew that money was tight in our household.

My Dad only had Saturday afternoon and Sunday off from work. Early Saturday, I would rise from my bed at the crack of dawn (not anymore!) go downstairs and sit with my Dad at the kitchen table. Our task was to select seven horses from the early morning paper to bet on in the afternoon horse races. We tried to pick them based on current form but soon got distracted by the exotic names of the horses. Sometimes we would disagree on which horse to select and would resort to shutting our eyes and picking a horse at random by taking a needle and pin pricking a name. My Uncle Derek (friend of the family) would call in mid-morning, take the betting slip and place the bet at the local Turf Accountants (a name that always made me smile).

Most of the time we won bugger all. Nevertheless, this didn't deter me from being glued to the TV most of the afternoon in a state of excitement and anticipation whilst watching the races. That particular afternoon lady luck was on our side, we won three of the seven races. I cannot remember how much we won (for I had no concept of money, still don't if truth be told) but I can still taste the creamy ice cream that I ate that following hot afternoon. :)

Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Bloaty, Sleepy ...

OMG!!!

Is this me?

Plus I've got tingling sensations in my fingers and I've poked a stick in my left eye whilst in the garden yesterday evening. I fear a visit to the GP is looming! But I might just forget that thought and go back to bed ;-)

How are you feeling today ?

Un, Deux, Trois - Skip to it!

I'm hoping mad (!) with myself at the moment, TF has been eating far too much cake for her own good resulting in a flabby butt and tummy. Being foot loose and fancy free for the next two weeks (No work for two whole weeks! Oh! Happy days!) now I've the time to get super fit for the Summer season, Ascot, Wimbledon blah blah. Got to look good in my bikini ;-) The old gym shoes have come out from storage. New (well actually secondhand £50 quid) bicycle has been purchased (pink/lilac) to match my shoes. I'm cycling daily, my little heart is pumping and thumping. Hills are ruddy hard to climb on a bike when you knees are shaking. After the bike ride forcing my body to do 500 skips, followed by a wee bit of digging in the garden. I'm like a woman possessed , the only trouble is my legs have turned a funny "frog" green colour ;-)



Apologises for I'm now going to do a very bad word link, talking of "Frogs" (apologises to lovely BLU who lives in France) I've been invited by Claire to do a tag called un, deux,trois or "123"

Got to reveal three things, based on the following questions

3 names I go by;

Miss
TF
Tommo

3 jobs I want;

Nude model (just sit back and relax)

Deckchair attendant on a sunny and sandy beach. Icecream licking :)

Private Detective engaged to spy on the Government

3 places I have lived;

Rented ground floor damp flat with mushrooms growing in the bathroom owed by a very dodgy landlord who was featured on a Radio 4 programme! OMG! It was cheap!

Studio flat with a fold up bed that came out of the wall. Cosy! It was a flat share ;-)

Paradise (I'm using my imagination here) One day :)


3 TV shows that I watch:

I'm more of a radio girl and tend not to watch a great deal of TV, but I do watch

EastEnders

Newsnight

Oh and anything "Arty Farty" of course.

3 Places I have been;

Travelled the Champagne Trail in Northern France in a clapped out old car. (I was in charge of map reading, we got lost on numerous occasions resulting a lot of swear words :) see below for examples.

Christmas shopping in Amsterdam (Great city and very friendly bods are the Dutch )

Sheep farming in Sussex


3 places I want to go to;

India

Russia

Peru

3 of my favorite foods;

Cake ( TF! What? To be eaten in moderation only) Alright. Alright, I hear you.

Chocolate (Easter eggs soon :) And Hot Cross Buns! :)))

Roast dinners

3 favorite curses;

(This is where you might get corrupted!)

Tosser ! (never said out loud always muttered under my breath)

F***ing Arsehole !

F*** OFF!


Right, time for hot bath to relax my aching body. Have a great weekend. I'm of to London late Sunday for a few days. See you mid-week. Be good. Stay fit :)





BTW Please do tag if you like :)

Fancy a wee giggle?

I know, I know it's only Wednesday and I said I was only going to blog on a Sunday and a Thursday. But Sod It! I can't work to timescales and most of you won't read this until Thursday anyway. So there! My blog, my rules!

So today's topic of conversation is all about GIGGLING - (defined in the Collins Dictionary) as foolish laughter or "I giggled so much I wet my knickers" (TF Dictionary!) .

I reckon we British have become far too serious for our own good ? We've lost our sense of fun and silliness? As a nation we've become bland like slices of processed cheese. We fear life too much. Fear of having fun. I think Ken Dodd had it right, we need to giggle a bit more. Put a smile on our faces. Spread some happiness. So let's start a giggling campaign.


Spill the beans, what has made you giggle recently? Were you April Fooled?



This made me giggle somewhat today:-


EXERCISE FOR THE OVER 40'S OR FOR THE UNFIT

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.

Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN..............

.
























































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a glass of wine.




So did you giggle? :)

Well imagine that !

TF is a great lover of using the imagination.

Blinkin' 'eck TF what a pompous statement, you 'alf mutter a lot of twaddle at times.

That be because I'm using my imagination! As old Albert Einstein says " I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

I read somewhere (but can't for the life of me remember where) the following little bit of twaddle about stretching the imagination. Life at times can be full of uninteresting or unremarkable things, such as trying to remember to carry out a never ending list of chores for the day. But,if you use your imagination to embellish an image of a particular item you wish to remember, then all you have to do is make it exciting and thus memorable. For argument sake let's say you have an important letter to post. First, picture an image of an envelope. Then imagine you're staggering along the road carrying a gigantic envelope. The envelope is decorated with bright red stars. Imagine the envelope smells of chocolate and is ticking like a clock. By creating a vivid visual image and by adding the dimension of smell and sound - the task of posting a letter will be more memorable in your mind. So basically, you won't forget to post the letter. Now, the other alternative is to just write a list of tasks you have to do. But that would be too BORING!

Oh, whilst we're chatting about the imagination just to warn those of you who have agreed (Remember, YOU DID!) to take a butcher's at my next Picture Gallery. The next one is entitled "Shut Thy Cake Hole" (the title has been erased by the Establishment!) So, I will invade your in-box shortly (probably before Thursday) with an invitation to view. It may offend those of a delicate nature. That be none of your victims (readers) then TF. ;-)

Now, I've just got to remember to do the ironing sometime today.

"The red roaring ironing board resembles a sweaty surfer being stalked by a man-eating shark. JAWS. Help. OMG!...."

BTW the surfer was eaten alive - a happy ending for the shark! :)

TF emerges as an Upperclass Lady !

Ah, My Beloved by Omar Khayyam

Ah, my beloved, fill the cup that clears
Today of past regrets and future fears;

Methinks that I've reached the time in my life where I'm looking back on the part of my life that has gone for good (like say, fitting easily into a pair of size 10 jeans/eating chocolate all day without putting on any weight) and at the same time looking forward to my future (say, grey hairs, failing eyesight and saggy bobs). Call it a mid-life crisis, if you like or perhaps just thinking about past regrets and future fears.


Right, I've also reached the conclusion after some head scratching that my psyche is not really in sink with the modern world ! That's not to say that I can't function in today's society, I can and to a certain extent I do, very well indeed. But I wonder at what cost? The modern world seems to moves along at far too fast and a changing pace for my liking, making you feel out of breath by just trying to keep up. I wonder, if perhaps just to survive in this modern era and against our wishes we're being made to jump too many hidden and unmanagable obstacles ? Sometimes, it can make you feel that you're competing in the Grand National on a three-legged donkey. The outcome is not too favourable - unless of course your smart enough or rich enough to avoid jumping the fences.


Deep down, I know I would personally function much better with a quieter and calmer pace of life - like say as a Nun or a Tibetan monk! (not, so sure if orange is my colour. Hmmm, a hair raising thought!). On second thoughts, I would like to be an upperclass English lady at the turn of the last century spending my days, sewing, sipping tea, reading and indulgence in a mid-afternoon naps before partaking in a finely cooked five course dinner.

So, the question, my little 21st Century citizens is:-

Q. Given the choice would you give up your modern day life to live in another era in time ? If so, what era and what as ?

G & T anyone?

***

Right, I'm off to read (after work obviously) "For Tibet, with Love" A Beginners Guide to Changing the World by Isabel Losada. *

*Oh, please do check out her website at the above link for her very interesting and witty take on rejection letters. Her novel was rejected, then sold 70,000 copies! Hmmm, who judges the judges, I wonder ? (TF, something to ponder whilst you're sipping your G & T).

Do NOT waste words....

I've made a life changing decision that from now onwards I'm only going to post on this blog twice a week on a Thursday and Sunday.

TF!
What?
It's TUESDAY!!!

I KNOW! I KNOW! Just hold on for a wee moment, bear with me. I've posted well over 370 posts since giving birth to this blog. I've covered a variety of subject matter, some topics of a semi serious nature, some with an element of a somewhat humorous twist and some damm right silly and stupid posts. (Oh, BTW I've been released from prison - they let me out for good behaviour!)

Now the reason I'm only going to blog twice a week is that blogging has competition! I've taken up a very time consuming past time. No, it's not S.E.X. or Twittering or Facebook but a more rewarding hobby one that you can do all day and night by yourself. You can eat chocolate whilst you do it. It's like I've rediscovered a lost love. A blast from the past. It started last week with something that everyone (including me, I'm now a proud owner of a top of the range version) has in their home. What like, dust or an ironing pile. Nope! It be called a dictionary a magical book of words. Bloody thousands of them to be precise and all neatly placed in alphabetical order. From my new dictionary I've now progressed to reading all absorbing novels - TF read two in a one day this Sunday. TF is by nature very fickle, has a low attention span and tends to read very slowly.

Blimey, O'Reilly, I hear you mutter. Now, talking of O'Reilly. I've just started reading a wonderful novel called "The Swing of Things" by a very fine Irish contemporary writer who goes by the name of Sean O'Reilly.

The novel is ablaze with stories of lives lived and lost, it is darkly beautiful meditation on the idea of escape and what it is that keeps us tethered to the world. It is an urgent, vivid narrative of energy and strength overflowing with astute observations and wit.

Oh, BTW the words in italics are not my words but those stolen from the jacket of the book!

Now in my humble opinion - a good novel must make you feel that you're eating a well balanced meal, drinking a glass of finest claret, savouring the taste of a rich chocolate pudding, listening to a piece of well performed classic music. This novel has all of these elements in duplicate! O'Reilly is a gifted writer who has truly mastered the craft of writing - no words are wasted only being permitted on the page if they serve a real meaningful purpose to the action and narrative, the plot is kept very tight, the language is rich and intriguing with miniscue observations and each page indulges the senses. A true love affair of the mind. In a nutshell a real page turner. So those of you who are writing novels bear the above in mind, no pressure! ;-)

Until Thursday, be good, be very good. Oh Sod it! Be naughty :)

Wo-Manifesto falls on deaf ears !

*** NEWSFLASH ***

This morning at Hyde Park Corner, TF was arrested for impersonating Big Ears and sprouting political ideology from her "Wo- manifiesto".

TF was heard shouting the words "You're having a laugh!" as she was man handled into the waiting police car.

Noddy was no where to be seen, he was lying low. ;-)

Death, Sex and Politics!

Right, I'm over my little blogging bleep (isn't bleep such a lovely little word? Bleep!, Bleep! went Noddy's car horn as he run over Big Ears and flattened him to death).

The taboo subjects I will NOT be blogging about in future are DEATH (whoops! sorry Big Ears) SEX and POLITICS.

OK, it's OFFICIAL, I'm slightly bonkers as observed/commented (on my last - I'm pissed off with the world and prevent freedom of speech post! ) by Ms Lane, who I hasten to add is currently staring in her own webcam silent sex video - entitled "Look into my Eyes" ;-) Does it pay well Ms Lane!!? Now enough of this smutty talk TF, you have a reputation to mantain !

Oh, this Sunday, I've decided to quick march my way upto Hyde Park Corner stand on my soapbox and "rally the troops" (always partial to a uniform, me. Hmm maybe I could do my own sex webcam?!!) to join the "TF Alternative Political Party". My mascot will be a Gnome!



My yet to be finalised Manifesto (Womanifiesto) is as follows:

1. Abolish Bullshit in the UK.
2. Abolish fecking Big Brother camera's in the streets.
3. Invest in Education, Hospitals and Employment opportunities
4. Bring back National Service ?!! (Hmmm)
5. Bring back manners. PLEASE!
6. Make every Monday a chocolate eating day.
7. Bring back hope and laughter.


So come on join me and add your ideas to the Womanifiesto.


Woman of the world unite! Take charge!. Burn your bras (shit maybe that's going a wee bit too far TF). Stay firm :-)

I'll be around to read your blogs after I've finished sitting on the patio on my Bullshit bench sipping a nice cool larger or two :)

One Hundred Lines.....

On (self imposed) reflection, I've removed my earlier reflective post of today entitled "Savour the Sunset" for in hindsight the nature of it's content, the subject of death and savouring precious moments of life with a very very small twist of wit is perhaps not best aired on this blog.

So until I find something more light-hearted, witty and safe to blog about I will go and write down in my best handwriting one hundred times " I must not blog about deep or controversial subjects that may cause offence or upset"


I maybe sometime.....

For like my orange this blog is not far from reaching it's sell-by-date.

BINGO! Full House

TF is very pleased that her lovely readers had the inspiration, took the opportunity and found precious time in their busy schedules to participate in her Thirteen Knockers game. All rooms have now been visited, TF takes her hat off to you all. Today being RED NOSE DAY, TF has attempted to pen some words of her own. A wee bit of political wit !

ROOM 10

EGGS

"Gordon knew that the "writing was on the wall" and it wouldn't be long before his number (No.10) would be up. For deep down he sensed that he could no longer continue to function with a brain like scrambled eggs!"

Oh what a great "Yoke" TF. Smashing!

Have a lovely weekend chaps. Hope Friday the 13th has been good to you :)

I hear you KNOCKING!

"E by Gum"

Oh, what a clever lot of witty jokers, off the cuff remarkers, story tellers and writers and a poetic masterpiece by Poet Blu (Room 9) we've had so far in the rooms of

The Thirteen Knockers

Anyone up for some second helpings ? Food for thought

Room 6, Room 8, Room 10 are all VACANT (although Room 8 has no toilet paper or running water. Blame the previous guest)

Room 11 - engaged (Writer pondering her thoughts) (Raises eyebrows) ;-)

It's time to play The Thirteen Knockers game ?

OK, my little collaborators, it's time to play! From now and until Friday 13th you're to adopt the mind set of a teenager! Let your imagination run wild and visit as many rooms as you can.

Click on the above image and enter the The Thirteen Knockers rooms.

I know some of you have trouble with the flowing of your words, so to help you along, I've given you a word (along with an image) that you HAVE to include in each of your witty collaborations.

I couldn't be ARSED to think of a word for Room 13, I'm a afraid I got a wee bit constipated ! :)

Off you go then and follow the rules!

The clock is ticking ...... (tick, tock)

Knock,Knock !

Alright.
Calm Down.
I'm not ready yet :(
The paint is still drying on the green front door.
Remember this is a collaboration.
I'm supplying the pictures.
You're going to be doing the words.
You'll find out more tomorrow.
Oh, I need your witty words by Friday 13th March (no later!)
What? !!!
Stop moaning (I only need a line or two, not a blinkin' novel)

So far, the following have put their hands up to collaborate

1. Blu
2. Claire P (maybe? ) Maybe not you're playing. No excuses !
3. Chopper (good man)
4. Auntiegwen
5. Babooshka
6. Dar (from across The Pond, she saw the light and is now playing :)
7. AB
8. Debs
9. Lane
10. Random
11. Shirley
12. DJ - Please play :)
13. Clarkey

14. Ms SS (A late entry, but most welcome)

You see I really need thirteen collaborators. Wink, Wink.

Oh, Until tomorrow (Sleep well :)



(BTW - Good news, found out today they aren't going to cut my contracted hours at work, just getting more work! :) (What a relief)

Opportunity Knocks !

If

knocked on your door would you let it in ?

That is the question?

"TF! Why are you talking in riddles?"

"I'm searching for a willing collaborator with a sense of humour an ability to spell and able to think outside the box"

"In what?"

"Hmmm, all I'm saying is that it involves the formation of words"

Interested ???

(Ha! Ha! Nobody is going to put their hands up for this one!)

Ahhh. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained ;-)

The Word on the Street !

This image/sign/message plastered on the pavement, caught my camera eye today

What do you reckon it's telling us?

Is it part of a murder scene?

A joke?

An instruction from the Highway authority?

A sublime hidden message?

Your views please .....

***

Oh, whilst your thinking about the above I need your advice on the following, pretty please. (I'm working on something, well maybe working is too strong a word more like pondering something, whilst munching chocolate biscuits and sipping black coffee (I forgot to buy milk)

Which is grammatically correct? Which one do you prefer?

Shut thy cake hole !

OR

Shut thy cake 'ole !

Hmmm, I'm in a questioning mood at the moment (it won't last ;-)

Ups and Downs!

Now, Where were we?

Firstly, many many THANKS guys for your comments on my last post - they were soooo much appreciated. For alas, it's been a very stressful few days in TF Tower - as work has been CRAP! The dreadful words REDUNDANCY / RESTRUCTURING have been whirling around the building and bouncing off the walls. Still not so sure how it's all going to pan out for me - hopefully only a small reduction in my contracted hours. I've got a meeting with THE BIG CHIEF next week to discuss further- I can't wait! I've just got to remember to DUCK when the shit hits the fan.


I can't be doing with all this negative crap. So on a more positive note, I've been informed today by a lovely enthusiastic student (who talks more sense then most of the adults I work with) that we have frog spawn in the wildlife pond. And wait for it we also have four ducks.Three males. One female. The male ducks are apparently vigorously chasing the female duck. Hmmm, a lucky lady or not? I wonder if she would like to join me in the chill out tent. Peking Duck anyone? Quack, Quack ;-)

Retreating

Chaps, I'm going to spend a wee bit of time in the old Chillout tent - some crappy stuff that has been bubbling for awhile in real life is rearing it's ugly head like a dragon spitting flames of fire.

Alas, I'm feeling a bit powerless for I've no real control/influence over the eventual outcomes. I'm hoping to see some clarity on one aspect (good/bad - don't panic it's not health related) this Wednesday. Keep thy fingers crossed for me.

With a bit of luck the cheeky, chirpy TF will return shortly.

I'll try to continue to read your blogs but please forgive me if I don't comment.

Roll up! Roll up! Everyone's a winner.....

" Roll up! Roll up!

Everyone's a winner.

Bargains galore..."

NO!

What do you mean NO!

TF, you cannot say everyone's a winner!

Why not ?

Because it's a lie. It doesn't comply with the rules of the competition and there's no way on this Earth that everyone can win a competition! Otherwise it wouldn't be a competition, it would be a promotion. OK, understand.

Hmmm, rules (I hate rules. Humbug!)

TF! Now start again!

OK, the wonderful English crime and romantic writer Shirley Wells latest book is being published on the 26th March and she has a wee little competition running on her blog, where YOU (yes you!) can win a signed (well I think, I hope it's signed) hardback copy of her latest book.

(what a great front cover, sets the scene rather nicely methinks)

Now go over and enter. BTW she has a serious passion for displacement activities...


Don’t forget; spread the word ;-)

(Hmmm, I wonder if I could get a job as a publicists?)

NO!

Go on crack a SMILE !

Methinks to some degree we (the human race/Establishment) have lost sight of the true reason for living and at times take life far too seriously. I'm not naive to know that at times life can be a BITCH (so to speak) and that bad, sad and mad things will happen to us on this bumpy journey of our lives. But somehow I truly believe that we have to retain our sense of humor - as after all it doesn't cost a dime. Hang on a minute! Or does it? Yesterday I read in the Metro (free paper) that a handful of British Telecom employees were dismissed from their jobs for sending a rather witty (Irish) joke (methinks, but others may of course not agree) via their internal email. Blinkin' 'eck they worked in a Call Centre and therefore probably needed a bit of light relief.

So bearing the above in mind, if you're a woman (half the population) and you're offended by the following little humour. All I can say is tough tits, life after all is a BITCH! :))


BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love,
they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,
they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it,
I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I' should' be.

I am outspoken,opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

TF says never lose sight of your inner BITCH ;-)

Overload, Overload, Overload

My brain hurts.

It's whizzing around like a washing machine stuck on full throttle on the spin cycle.

It's full of conceptional thoughts/ideas.

I'm jotting stuff in a A5 notebook like an overactive shorthand typist.

I'm using an oversize blue leaded pencil, purchased from a craft market for about 50 quid a bundle! Sucker.

I couldn't find a pencil sharpen anywhere.

I used a vegetable knife to sharpen the pencil.

I cut my finger.

Red blood gushed out from the cut.

Took me ages to find a plaster.

I still have to iron my clothes for work tomorrow.

I still have to research the Seven Deadly Sins (Don't ask!)

I need chocolate!

I have done in the house.

Where has the day gone?

I want it back.

(So what sort of day have you had?)

Putting thy head above the parapet....

OK, TF, time to shoot from the hip.

For those of you who have been reading this blog for sometime you may remember (or not) that I broadcasted to the whole wide world that as was writing a "so-called book".

But,being the fickle little bee that I am, I soon realised pretty quickly that I had set myself an impossible task. The book was shelved. Jackanory,end of story.

HOWEVER! The concept behind my misgivings has been simmering away on the back burner - resting quietly within the depths of my inner being. The simmering has now started bubbling (due in part to a recently comment I've received on my photo blog from the wonderful SpiralSkies). But, as you've probably gathered as a rule I don't like to tow the party line too much- the book is starting to mound itself into a totally different form - a visual experience! (with limited words). I would so like to tell you more but for obvious reasons (poaching etc from blogger lurkers) I don't want to enlighten you too much here.

BUT sometime in the foreseeable future (let's say the year 2025!) I would like some feedback and that my beauties is where I need a hand with your critical input.

So, if you fancy beoming a honest critic for the day and casting your beady eyes over the finished article , please drop me a email. (It's not compulsory, so I won't be offended if no one wants to play ball). TF? What? You will be offended! I won't. Oh, yes you will. Come on, get real here, someone is bound to be curious and show an interest. Gulp. I hope! ;-)

Bubble, Bubble, toil and trouble!

Have a great weekend one and all. Enjoy the sunshine :-)

Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong.....

As Petula Clark once sung "When you've got worries you can always go Downtown..." Well to clear the cobwebs from my mind, yesterday TF travelled from the depths of Surrey upto London Town.

Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong. (Oh,I've included a few pics taken yesterday to keep your interest)

The first port of call was St Martin-in-the-Fields, Trafalgar Square, for a wee bit of culture. A free classical concert no less. A spot of lunch down in the Cafe in the Crypt first (coffee and cake!) then back upstairs to the church to engage the ears and heart in some Mozart, Britten and Paul Pritchard. Wonderfully. Good for the soul.

A short hop over to the Portrait Gallery to view a Photography exhibition on Martin Aimes. No pics allowed I'm afraid. Gallery too busy for my liking, full of tourists!


The next part of the journey let's just say was interesting it involved the reading of street maps (OMG!) TF doesn't do maps. I like to walk and explore and ask for directions. Let's just say a few heated words passed our lips. Our destination was The Saatchi Gallery up the Kings Road, Chelsea the posh part of London, The PIC took us down near Victoria the shitty part of London! One good thing that came out of the stressful walk was this piece of graffiti.

Actually it was well worth the walk as the Saatchi Gallery is a MUST see for anyone thinking of visiting London. The gallery is spacious with white walls and wonderful light. The exhibition we went to see was "Unveiled: New Art from the Middle East" Now, I could bore you and talk about my view on each gallery (it has 15 galleries) but I won't! Gallery 11 one of my favourites has work by Shadi Ghadirian. I'll let the picture and words from the guide do the talking for me.

Through her staged photographs. Ghadirian's everyday objects become elevated from anonymity to form a group of distinctive portraits. Humorously drawing upon the humanistic forms of each item. In this work a colander adeptly represents a woman who's all mouth: a neighbourhood gossip conceived as a human sieve, endlessly broadcasting like a loud speaker.


The wonders of the things one can do with common garden tin foil. I'm being flippant! Sculptures (approx 250 life size) are by Kader Attia - Ghost 2007. So beautiful :-)

Looking at art makes one hungry. We stopped for evening supper at a little Italian restaurant - had a few glasses of Vino.

Oh, some great news! On the way back noticed that the House of Parliament were going up in flames! (Police are looking for the Ghost of Guy Fawkes)

All and all a very good day. If not a tad exhausting.

Then home to bed.

Will Ryman The Bed 2007

(Gigantic sculpture in the Saatchi Gallery)

Oh , Please tell me some good news

Good News
Lyrics from Songs From Sun Street - The Saw Doctors

Oh I watched the news at six o'clock
It made me want to cry
The oceans are polluted, we've damaged all the sky
And there's wars and wars and rumors
and a hungry baby cries
still we have to suffer
politicians lies
just gimme me the good news
you can keep the bad
just gimme the good news
the happy not the sad
you're money, it never goes far
enough these days
the rich just getting richer
the poor man always pays
the postman brings bad news
the bills come through the door
in those greedy little envelops
always wanting more


gimme the good news......

you take the sixties, seventies,
eighties, nineties and you roll them
into one
gimme the two sides of the story
the mirror and the sun
put away the misery, put away the gun

its been a hard Oul' century
there's a better one to come
this is the good news......

I've made a conscience effort to stop watching and listening to the News bulletins (I know, a bit of the ostrich in the sand syndrome) for all I tend to see and hear is doom and blinkin' gloom.

When are we going to have some fecking good news in this country? Where's the optimism?


So if, you've had some good news this week please share.